bleblebleblebleb

deep breath... phewwwwwwwww

cooked kuey teow.. finally finished my last packet.. thinking of cooking the last packet since shermayne still hasn't touched it.. it's already xpired and i don't feel good keeping it longer..

the daylight time saving has started yesterday. it's minus one hr here. therefore it's only an hr and a half difference here n msia.

i wonder if ppl realize how selfish we are. i don't think many ppl raelize that. how selfish we are and how selfish we ought to be. by the end of the day.. it's all about ourselves. y should be a shame to be selfish? we dont realize most of the things we do anyway. look at yourself. you think abt yourself more than any other thoughts. y do we have to conform. sometimes we satisfy others to satisfy ourselves anyway.

what the heck.

...

perhaps love is in the air now

jules was talking abt her dilemma with her current love situation. hendrik decided to come late at night for gossips and relationship talk. and me? i feel like making lasagne. wonder how. think i know but hv never tried yet.

izmia finally came home tday. she was at asi's place n slept there.

boring tday with nothing much to do. i do have. study. but not in the mood. cooked ns tomato grg style tday. hehe. duno what the hell it's called. but nvm. it was nice and edible to me. love sticky rice.

the book of love ..

bought all kitchen utensils tday at the chinese lady shop and foodland. 45 dollars so far. without a bigger pot. may be i don't need a bigger pot. sigh. thought i could "samak" all used utensils they cooked with pork but after that first experience, no way i'm gonna do it again. so i bought every kitchen utensil possible just now and put a note on the cabinet that the things are mine.

nothing much happening tday. justin and freddy shall be sharing our internet connection.

watching tv.

trench coat !!

jules gave me a trench coat !! can u believe it? it's so expensive here and she's just giving me one she bought in korea !! wow

haha guess what time i slept last nite. 630am !! last morning i mean. it's already morning the nxt day now. hhmmm..

period tday. woke at 12 and took pills. did samak tday coz the china grls cooked pork. gonna get own kitchen stuff from now. no way i'm doing dishes that many aagin. really disgusting.

cramping a little now. ughh.

watched "shall we dance" with izmia n jules. sher came howe with a bunch of her friends so decided not to bother them. gave jules bridget jones diary book.

went to eric's place last nite for dinner. he treated us with fish n turkey which only both of them ate. he's a nice guy. very comfortable with himself and easy. didn't like the way sher persuaded izmia not to go.

sigh

living in the inside ...

made kuey teow grg again. this time it was good. not too spicy. i love tday's kuey teow. may not be as good as anyone else's but it tasted just the way i like it.

supposed to go job hunting tday but just got my working visa done and it takes 24 hrs for them to process it. so went back home, finally replied mama's email and went down to see hendrik cooking chicken terriyaki. so decided to use my kuey teow n make myself kuey teow grg which taste not bad at all :) pretty proud of myself

some of the biggest regret in my life would be perming my hair. it became very dry and the texture became so rough on top of my head that it felt like i've burnt them and let them dry. of course the moisture is gone now and they had cut it into layered that made me look like a big-haired frizzy head mad woman.

took down the white curtains from my window tday. hopefully it'll look better from outside now. i love my room. old and poor from outside but cheerful and innocent from the inside. people don't often realize but the inside is what matters most. its not what u r made of or how you look but what you are inside that makes you beautiful and special. living in the inside.

bought adult development textbook yesterday. finally they came in. think i should start studying and making notes now.

saw mowkie through webcam. beautiful as ever. sigh.

i'm confused aren't i? yeah.. that's just me sometimes.

john mayer - daughters

didnt write for a while. been worrying abt assignment and doing everything else besides it.

izmia looked sad n depressed after the revealing incident. she looks uncomfortable sometimes. then again, she called her dad and her mom's sick. not exactly sure what kind of but she's not well.

went to ctrl market yesterday with jules n izmia. bought chicken fillets and sausages. and went to the asian shop n bought pad thai sauce n noodles only to find out it's kuey teow noodles not pad thai. and it's 1.80 instead of 1 dollar. the shopkeeper looks not friendly at all. finally found chicken stock !! halal. different brand but what the heck. better than nothing.

oh and hendrik, izmia, sher n me went job hunting thursday night. red rooster. i'd want to work there. saw hendrik's place. could bring mowkie there but the place looks a little too lonely for me. he has very good tv reception.

i've 5 dollar and 45 cents left for the nxt 11 days. not bad. looking at the food i've bought and things i used the money for. mostly are for groceries and some other functions as well. wish i could save the 5 dollars for trench coat. plus the money i earn frm working soon i'll be able to get the coat hopefully. the thought abt trench coat suddenly excites me but at the same time scares me. hhmmm...

zen ppl weren't friendly at all. gave me the feeling that we're not worth working there. oh but izmia called the guy whom put in the trolley picking ad. sounds allright but he said he'll call back and usually that's bad news.

thinking of what to cook tday. i've 504 words on my essay now but am not satisfied with my points. i wish i could get some more cases and can prove my points better. sigh.

later.

ass-ignments

made ns grg tday. own recipe. :) overdid myself with the chilli powder again :p

i've started with my essay. felt a bit better abt it. tho it's not done yet and i've still not much idea on what to write abt but it's comforting to know that i'm getting somewhere with it now. been anxious abt this assignment for few days now. i don't know why. it's not hard yknow. just a 500 essay. a kid could do that. maybe bcos it's my first assignment here and i've not much a clear idea abt justice and the system here in oz. so there goes.

last nite's talk was good. izmia had been talking and revealing so much abt herself that i felt she trusts me so much. she said she wants to talk. so i let her. not realizing that i opened up to her. not much but enough to make me feel uncomfortable the next morning when i met her. i don't think i like it when ppl know abt me too much. but i've already put myself into that position. so no regrets. i don't care what she thinks. but then again, unconsciously maybe i do. to xplain y i had felt a little uncomfortable when i met her this morning. hold on. she's not a morning person and is always grumpy in the morning anyway. what the heck.

received my bank statement. thought papa banked in another 1k few weeks ago. he didn't. perasan. hehe.

not very happy looking at the amount of money i have. but i bought things that i have to buy. like textbooks. and i don't think i've used more than i have budgeted myself on.

asked abg amran to call papa n ask papa to call me back. papa doesn't sound like he likes it. but i don't know. he certainly didn't sound too happy talking to me though. maybe he didn't like me asking abg amran to call him. or maybe he just didn't like me asking him to call me back. but it disturbs to hear him not happy answering me. then again, maybe i'm just a bit paranoid.

sometimes i do feel like i've bugged my parents too much. i don't know what exactly did i bug them but that feeling is there.

that's me :)

Your Brain is 46.67% Female, 53.33% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

sighh.. :)

it's early. i know. but i didn't get to write last nite bcos i was so into this korean mtv play sher gave me. it was beautiful.

yesterday went fine. went to foodland in the morning to buy melons for the pot luck that nite. didn't feel like going but it was too late to back out. aaron n lenny had prepared food so much. but i had fun in the end. eric did his magic tricks n entertained us. had easy talking and socializing around. then gave a call to helena n wanting to visit her hsemate's cats. yayy !! they were beautiful. kaka and dida. kaka was soooo huge he reminds me of mowkie straight away. he's fat and big boned. and very very very manja. dida has mowkie's character. suspicious, very playful, active and cautious. doesn't like to be cuddled either. felt really good afterwards. then we went home and the topic of the night was love. again. well can't help it since sher n hendrik were in talking terms now but not as close as before. maybe it was something i said. i duno. he definitely doesn't treat her as "special" anymore and he looks more like a friend to her. sher cried last nite and she said she asked him if he still regards their relationship as "god brother-sister" and he said he doesn't wanna answer that question. maybe he has a glint of interest towards her but i don't know. hard to say. i think i put some sense into izmia's head last nite regarding her 6-years wait of the maldivian guy she fell so much for. at least i hope i did. i said it's not self-worthy to put urself waiting at his feet for long when you already know there's no chance of you and him together. jules agreed.

then that made me think abt hope. like my boo said, sometimes.. hope truly is the one that hurts us most. i couldn't put that into sher but i think i did into izmia's. i hope i did. she just needs some self confidence and self esteem and be more self accepting abt herself.

i'm now stuck with this korean mtv and the song's beautiful too. last nite i fell asleep at 2.30am listening to it over n over again and kept it on the whole nite. thinking if true love exists. and how wonderful it is. but is it possible? can one love and hurt at the same time? at times i think i'm missing something. i can't really put my finger on what yet. at times, i think it's ideal love. the ideal love that i picture and create. i don't know. family love. i think i'm missing that too. sometimes i wish my family would be more supportive. maybe that's where i lost my confidence. i think i grew out of it in the end. and start building my own core and shield around me to protect myself frm being hurt again.. by my family. but most of all, they're the only i have. we dont choose our parents and they don't choose us either. maybe these happens with first born cos parents are new to the experience and didn't know what to expect. most of it. this idea comforts me. at least something does.

class tday was boring as usual (health psy) but we learned something important tho. abt calculations and graphs and measurements. i think it's important coz we need to use it for our experiments later. anyway, i love the korean video clip.

later.

:) :)

i know i should be thinking and grateful and happy for abg joe whom is joined with his wife tday but more than that i'm thankful of the good feeling i am having now and also for most of the day tday.

woke up early to go foodland. yes went grocery shopping again. actually it's more of buying things that i've put off frm buying them cos i thought i may not be needing them but seeing sher cooking her lettuce the way she does and how i need soy sauce to make fried rice and think that i may not have to buy these again nxt mth n it'll probably last me longer so i decided to buy all the sauces; oyster sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil and kicap manis. there were still no kicap masin and no chicken stock as well. was thinking of asking someone to send some chicken stock frm msia over here but i dont know if it'll be allowed into oz. weird system they have.

so i bought gloves (for cleaning the bathroom), pasta n bolognaise sauce, all the sauces that were mentioned above, cling wrap and a pepsi. oh and a cleo just cheer myself up. and it miraculously worked !!

went to ctrl market then and was calculating whether to buy chicken or not but decided not to. now regretting it. anyway, i'd probably go there again soon to buy noodles. then again, i can get noodles in foodland and the pad thai sauce as well. or maybe nxt mth :)

didn't go to the aborigin's film with sher n izmia tho. dont feel like it. anyway, ate a corn n crab soup with egg that has expired for 3 mths now. haha. was an experience. oh n bought grapes for a dollar. 2 tangkai !! very very cheap. and me n izmia's late night talk topic tonite was abt religion.

later.

#%$@

was dying to write last nite but can't seem to open the page so decided to sleep.

celebrated ee-ling's bday at the pancake hse. turned out the offer wasn't as expected. the last time we went we ordered any pancake meal and received one meal free of our choice. this time i think they were a bit smart. or perhaps the waitress beforehand was new and didn't know what the offer was abt. so i was disappointed and frustrated to end up paying my own meal full price plus ee-ling's meal as well (a split among us). $11.90. $10.50 for my meal which was not very filling but satisfying. but the great time we had pays off. couldn't invite jules cos we only saw her after we reached home that nite. took pictures, they're in fotopages.

left at 7 and reached home around 11pm. had a nice talk in the kitchen wif izmia n jules. also had some 7up thanks to sher. izmia was in a bad mood the whole time and was in one of her mood swings. so we talked abt it for a while and then continued on the aborigins of australia. i absolutely love our long nite chats.

today was as boring as it could be. and hot too. very hot. it said high of 30 degrees on the net but when i looked at it again, it said "currently 33 degrees" haha some forecast they have :)

jules got a package tday. it seemed like i'm the only one whom hasn't received anything ever since i got here. not even a letter. oh except from the bank. felt really low. i know it's irrational but u see.. shermayne received loads of letters, cards and postcards.. and jules received i duno her 3rd package? in a span of a month. and me? nothing. but when i think more abt it, i realized. shermayne was the only person in her family to go overseas. her family must be all excited and proud of her etc etc. she must be the talk of the family gatherings and be missed of a lot. the apple of her family. and jules, well it's her first time being away too. and being the only student being picked to go as a student exchange in her uni, he family must be proud of her too. as for me.. well.. i duno. my family can never be proud of me. after all i've done and the hurt i caused. what is there abt me to be proud of anyway. maybe i should be feeling low abt it. i deserve it.

whatever.

had a hsemate meeting tonite. came down with still the low feeling in my heart. had dinner while the meeting goes on. but after we've dismissed, izmia n jules came in the kitchen and we had our usual nite talk again. and she gave me some sprite. as i gulped it down n it settled in, i felt good suddenly. i wonder if it was the drink. but we didn't stay long coz jules had to go finish up her assignment which is due nxt monday and izmia n sher has to go to the uni and print out the duty roster. and as for me, i'm writing this while watching lake placid. old movie but it's good to kill time.

i'm bored.

didn't get to chat w my boo tday. maybe that made worsen the feeling. abg joe's wedding is tomorrow. adik's online. later.

downloaded skype but can't create an account. apparently it said error in server. sigh. can't wait to go grocery shopping tomorrow. for milk n bread. i've made myself an allowance per month so HOPEFULLY i don't go over budget etc etc. been making some calculations and such so i've 72 dollars left until the end of the month. hopefully i don't need to spend on anymore nonsense like a "pancake meal" for 30 ringgit !!

hhmmm...

an assignment due in 13 days. it sounds more tense putting it in days rather in weeks.

no night talk today. izmia went to bed early and jules went out. it was only me and sher having dinner. we talked abt ee-ling's bday party tomoro. planned to celebrate it at the pancake hse. sometimes i feel like we're the one organizing these party-ing thingy cos last time we organized the bbq thingy too. but it's good social get together. instead of going to the uni party which will be crowded with ppl we don't know, it'll be more comfortable having just us get together.

hendrik won't come.

classes were okay tday. cathy balfour isn't as scary as she looks like. she reminds me of ms winnee sometimes. she's got winnee's vibe around her. presented for adult dev today. there's another prez coming up nxt week. anxious with this essay i've gotta do. probably cos i've no idea what or how it's gonna be like. but at least i'm getting to it.

thought of going to foodland tday to get some pasta n bolognaise sauce but decided not to coz it was hot tday. it'll be hot in the next few days according to the weather forecast. i thought autumn is already here. hmm..

downloading lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events. bet it'll take forever to complete. very windy tonite. i slept good last nite. probably coz i didn't sleep in the afternoon so nite time is pure rest for me. which is good.

there are many things playing inside my mind. i need to sort it out. some things have been in there since forever waiting to be sorted.

building up emotions

woke up few times last nite. possum was party-ing on the roof. but i slept well i think. cosy n o-kay.

class was allright. woke up at 8 n took out my patties before leaving for class. it doesn't taste nice. a little too salty. took quite a while to thaw. it only fully soften up by 2pm. and that's when i had lunch.

got most of my notes printed out. felt good.

tutes in crim just was okay. sher was utterly amazed by how critical n argumentative the australian minds are. "how to keep up like dat?" her exact words. i don't like that tone. nor do i like the phrase itself. it sounds so much like she's giving up. i could feel myself burning inside. we can be exactly like them if we want to. and i don't even like using "them" and "us". culturally, environmentally, we are different. but not mentally. we're all the same. the mind is adjustable. no doubt abt that.

bought some credit points for photocopying. i find that i may need to work out a little xtra on crim just. it's just not my level of interest. but i'll try my ver best. heck, my father could feed my family meals for a day with the money he spent getting me attend to just one lecture here.

i also find myself in various mood swings. especially feeling low for no reason. izmia pointed out that i've repressed emotions. it bottles up too much that i don't know how to let it go. so i have sudden mood change. hmm...

presentation tomorrow. in adult dev tute.

pressure is rising up..

loooooong day

well it's not tday that is long. today's not bad. went to class n thought of going earlier in the morning to print out notes but izmia woke up even later so we headed to class without the notes but all went well.

well the case abt sher n hendrik happened last nite (last 2 nites actually well sunday nite to be exact) when we were about to head to the pancake shop and enjoy ourselves into some delicious fabulous pancakes. when hendrik came in sher's room and sher started acting out. merajuk n not talking to him suddenly. so he got fed up with her attitude. now he's avoiding n not talking to her at all up to tday. he got really fed up that when we were abt to go home, he didn't come with us. instead he went to the pay phone n called his gf. we chatted anyway that nite on msn. sher cried on the way back home in the bus.

in a way i blame sher bcos she's somehow like taking for granted of all his attention and it's obvious that she expects things from him. which i dont think he can provide much since he's got a gf. but i am also blaming him for putting so much attention to her and flirting with her sometimes and putting her in the spotlight. if he didn't want her, then i guess it would be best to just leave her alone. sometimes i think he's putting her into a position of being hurt by him. maybe he likes her too. i don't know but if he does, he's gotta get rid of his gf then. it wouldn't be fair to the gf. this one-sided love really depresses me and makes me think a lot about relationship and love. it's amazing how much she loves him tho she is aware that he's unavailable to him. but if i were in her shoes, i think i'd just forget abt him and move along with my life. i won't want to waste my time waiting and drooling for the forbidden apple. there's more apples in the.. well.. wherever else there might be. but if i were in his shoes, i'd probably love the attention that i'm getting but... yeah.. as he said.. tak sampai hati to let her merajuk or get mad for long. i think i relate better to hendrik since i've been in his shoes for so many times before. his shoes fits better to me than is sher's. but more than that, i think it would've been better if they had gone separate ways after they knew they can't be together. but that's all already in the past. nothing can change that anymore. it just depresses me to see them like this. they used to be such great friends and we used to laugh a lot abt so many things n such. the world seems quieter now. this thing made jules think a lot abt her ex-bf and makes her wanting to call him. she text him n he did call her back but she was asleep. darn.

i was thinking a lot abt my boo too. but mostly abt how grateful i am with him now and hoping these problems would never ever cross our path.

izmia had a crush for 6 yrs. 6 yrs !! imagine that ! so she relates better to sher. we talked abt how the forbidden love works. the more you can't have them, the more you want them. it takes a while for us to step back and look into the box. we're so engrossed into being inside the box that we forgot how things look outside it. as some man had said, "we're like actors playing in a movie". it's hard to see ourselves when we were acting in it. and it's even harder to look at ourselves playing the part in the movie. judging ourselves frm the outside.

dorah had once said i'm a realistic. sometimes i think that's true. perhaps its with my harsh upbringing. forced to grow. i don't think i'm all grown up now but at some aspects in life i think i've grown into it. most of it are learning the hard way. if only i'd listen more. but i don't regret anything. bcos i think if i had listened, there's nothing left to life. the lesser experience i gain and lesser feelings and understnding i'd have towards others. so i'm glad and happy with what i had and what i am having.

went to the city to pick up the health psy textbook. the others didn't come with us so it was only me, sher, hendrik n albert. the book was bloody heavy.

tonight izmia told sher everything i had told her abt what hendrik was telling me. which is good for sher to know but bad on my part coz once this gets into hendrik's ears he'd not trust me anymore. he's very hard to open up and very secretive. but right now i feel good telling to sher and i don't care how he would feel anymore. i saw how hurt she was and she cried again. she felt unwanted n felt like shit. i know that feeling. i know it very well indeed. she wants to go home. she's very hurt by all this. i told her to keep her attention to her "ipoh guy". hendrik is probably not worth it. probably.

i feel good with the friends i have here. weird combo but with good hearts. izmia showed concern that now she's so close to the 3 of us (me sher n jules) that she's afraid something might happen and break the relationship. i told her as long as we're honest with each other, hopefully everything would be fine. jules said it's part n parcel of getting to know each other. sometimes, i feel afraid too.

i cooked for 3 days now. ns grg. the first one wasn;t bad. the second one which is today's was salty n not as nice. but i had it with lotsa cabbage so it was okay. my vege soup turned out nice. at least that's what my hsemates said. they polished the whole pot. my egg with tomato sauce was really really pedas. finished the egg n threw the sauce out.

i miss mowkie.

food food food

didn't write last nite. was tired i guess.

nothing much happened. went grocery shopping at foodlands and carrying those bags made me perspire the first time ever since i reach here.

it's starting to cool down. autumn's here !! yayy

made mac n cheese for dinner for sher n izmia as well.

but tday i made ns grg. good. and had a small bag of chips. it's actually as big as a large french fries at mcd. but good.

beach !!

haven't written for a while. was depressed. and sad. am doing better now.

went to west beach. took more than an hour (including waiting for the bus) to reach there. me, sher, izmia, poh ling, anne, lenny, aaron, karen, liew and albert. it was damn cold !! windy n cold. there weren't many ppl at the beach. stupid camera didn't work again. finished my sandwich and decided to go to the city with izmia. leaving the rest with the sea gulls and pelicans. bought some stationeries and groceries (partly). decided to do monthly groceries.

sher was shouted at by a driver as she walked out of the front gate. "dumb asians".

roshan's noodle bar is halal in the food court in the city. their pad thai are superb. hungry jacks's vege supreme costs 4 bux and subway 6 inch sandwich costs 4.45 but both were superb. pad thai was abt 4.50 small plate. these are abt the lowest price of eating out here in adelaide city. that i can find so far.

oh bought some textbooks. 160 so far for 2 courses. criminal justice and cognitive psy. planning to sell them back at the end of the sem.

felt really low abt spending so much on textbooks. and with still no job.